Monday, August 19, 2013

Blessed Bubbles

It seems that the greatest joy is obtained in the anticipation and afterglow of achievement. Fear and shame block both. My favorite times of day are slowly waking up and drifting off to sleep, when my mind is in its semi-conscious state. It is then that the plans for the future begin to present themselves and the events of the past come out to play.

My religion taught that I should spend my evenings examining my conscience for all the evil I achieved that day. It also taught that it was sinful to dwell on one's successes or earthly pleasures. I longed for ways to simply stay in bed allowing the goodness of life to freely enter my soul. My bed became my magic carpet out of the pain of the present. I knew idleness was sinful, so I took to writing and reading, That way, it would appear that I was "doing something useful." What wonderful worlds others created with their competencies. I could at least celebrate what I saw in others without committing the sin of pride.

It has taken me many years to learn to wallow in wonder without guilt or regret. I see so many people eternally running from processing the past and missing out on their own present with the inability to bask in the joy of the moment. Life should be lived as a child blows and catches bubbles, each event creating crystals of pure memory to float into our eternity. We should be able to rest in the auras of these blessed bubbles whenever we are presented with stress.

A problem seems to be that so much anguish is also contained in our memories. We fear the we will drown in grief and shame, so we frantically try to cover them up with mountains of "better" memories. This need to hide from ourselves and our real lives poisons us in our deaths. I don't think we can stop fearing death until we are able to celebrate the ever-evolving, eternal  aura of our own special souls being shared in this life.