A Sister Tree and Me

My father used to say about his hormonal teenagers that we were "in love with love." It is true that the letting go of parts of oneself and putting new parts from others in the place of our old selves is quite exhilarating. Much of that exhilaration is actually anxiety that is a natural reaction to foreign entries into ourselves. Anxiety and lust are what we often call love because we are addicted to excitement. Love really means giving a part of oneself to another and taking a part of another into oneself. How carelessly we throw these words and our own bodies and souls around.

A good gardener looks for compatible stock before joining the two to one source of life. Love takes time to grow, just as a graft to a tree takes time to become part of that life system. And without a strong and compatible root system, the graft cannot flourish. You cannot succeed in grafting an apple to a banana tree. How foolish we are to imagine that we can create good grafts of ourselves with others without knowing anything of the habits and the seasons of the other.

All grafts begin with an "excitement" of cells that causes either permanent bonding or rejection. The graft is not successful until this "excitement" has subsided. Once the stress of introduction of the "life blood" of each being introduced into the other is complete, a new entity is formed.

When I met my childhood friend for the first time, I was mesmerized. Here was somebody who looked like me with her blond hair, flashing eyes, and ready laugh. Her family, like mine, was Catholic. It was "love at first sight." My six-year-old self decided that she was my sister, but the graft didn't take. We both grew up to be strong trees, standing straight and tall, but it didn't seem that our root stock could ever create a successful new entity.

We have decided to reclaim each other and have opened ourselves to learning the others habits and seasons. We are exhilarated by each others presence, but the process is anxiety producing. We are finding much in our values that seems to be compatible, even though we approach life from very different angles. We both seem to have our own strong root stock, so we will probably never be grafted one to the other for survival. But it sure is nice to have a neighboring tree that can sometime shade me and that I can sometime shade. We are both much enriched by the parts of each other that are becoming parts of ourselves.

Use It; Don't Abuse It

It is now official, I'll soon, once again, be unemployed;
I got my hopes up a bit about continuing what I enjoyed.
To have been hired permanently would be most enjoyable;
I've earned good money and been updated as employable.
But there are perks to having some time off between jobs;
I can catch up with friends and help others through life's slogs.

And, after all, summer's coming with grandchildren's vacations;
These are times they and their moms have little obligation.
I may do some granny camp by my son's swimming pool;
My youngest granddaughter still seems to think her granny's cool.
Maybe we'll convince her aunt and cousin to spend time with us
I could even keep one granddaughter here, if her mother doesn't fuss.

There are so many grandmother things that I'd still like to do,
But times with these busy, accomplished children are too few.
Working has been a way to earn money for our family  fun,
And, with too much idle time, I wasn't enjoying what I had become.
Maybe I will see a way to work only when it's convenient for me;
When my friends and family have time and call, I will still be free.

What a blessing it is to find ways to use
The talents that one doesn't want to abuse.
I have often seen many management opportunities
As a way to get others into doing what bullies please.
Charisma can be used to bring personal gain;
It can also draw in volunteers to be trained.

Every gift we're given can be used for greed or balance.
I am so very grateful that I have been given chances.
To hone the skills that my mother thought were arrogance
And use them to help worthy causes to secure their stances.
It is serving me well that I have learned to ask for assistance
Not for me, but for those who may encounter resistance.

Sometime it is possible to have our cake and eat it too,
If we don't limit ourselves to only one thing we can do.
My body wore out, so catering became too painful;
I still had management skills for work that was gainful.
Now my organizational skills, coupled with fundraising
Allow me to find employers who think I'm worth engaging.
 

Scripture and The Spirit

The writing of sacred words rarely conveys their full meaning;
Without seeing the eyes of the writer, how can we know of their truth?
If one has ever attempted to express love or anguish in a letter,
We know that even tears on the page can't fully express what we feel.

I see much sacred scripture "written" on the faces of many
Who welcome me kindly when I enter the rooms where they dwell.
This connection, more than their words, imparts their Holy Spirit
Into the farthest depths of my body, my brain, my heart, and my soul.

Even those tormented by demons nipping at their psyches,
Sometimes have a spark of joy leap when we enter their lives.
As long as there's an ember of Spirit still silently burning,
The warmth of another's caring can slowly bring it to full flame.

Perhaps words can act as the breath that will fan the flames,
But they are not sufficient without the warmth's close proximity.
From the time of birth, we are hungry for comforting touch,
And tastes, and smells. This is why we need physical intimacy.

I pray that my friends who are grounded in a greater god
Don't ever get tired of dragging my weary soul from the abyss.
I simply can't seem to stop myself from emotionally nursing others;
I need the nourishment of their souls to make me whole again.

Authority, Anger, and Awakening, Part 2

She is so used to appearing tough,
But I know her heart is now breaking.
I hope I'm not making her life harder
As her emotions are reawakening.

There is a saying in the Orient, I'm told,
That if you interfere and save a life,
It is your sacred duty to this person
To share in their continued strife.

How much is our responsibility
To those whose hearts we have entered?
Could it be that we harm them;
That our concern is actually self-centered?

Like a mother hen, with her chicks,
It seems my duty, at least, to try
To watch over them as they venture forth,
And they learn to emotionally fly.

This seems to always lead to loss for me,
As the natural order of this earth,
Is to be finally rejected by those
To whom our love has given new birth.

I seem to be a constant reminder of the pain
That they have already lived through,
When none of us were yet strong enough,
And there was nothing any of us could do.

It didn't work for me to feel The Spirit
Without the caring touch of another,
The strength that many people receive
From the loving touch of father and mother.

It is difficult to feel protected and loved
By an angry, jealous, or frightened parent.
Abuse when young makes one wonder
Why, to this earth, we have been sent.

This may be the reason many are afraid
To love the Biblical God The Father.
They feel that pain is the reward
For being His chosen son or daughter.

The message and example of Jesus are
A guide to be a good sister or brother.
I don't believe his father demanded his death.
Would this come from loving father or mother?

But The Spirit of Divinity is something
To which we can all relate if we look
Into hearts through the eyes of each other;
Something I did not often find in The Book.

I believe we were all put on this earth
To see Divinity in others and ourselves.
When we fill others with fear and anger,
There is no space for The Spirit to dwell.
 
I have long searched for a constant
Source of gentle strength and integrity;
Someone who is sure and strong in ways
That I wanted to, but  never could, be.

I am fortunate to now have in my life
A mate for whom marriage is a fact.
It is not based on my emotions
Or the emotions he seems to lack.

Our bonding seems to be on mutual sharing
Of strengths that we individually lack.
We take freely from each others gifts,
And offer to give our strengths back.

He is the well from which I draw
The continued ability to give.
He is the light that gives me strength
To continue, with pain of others, to live.

Mine is the source of laughter and hugs
That  give him a sense of complete humanity,
So that he finally knows that knowledge
Is not all that human life is meant to be.

I know that he, too, can hold my friends,
Without demanding any reciprocal reward.
Our strengths, which are here for the asking,
Keeps us, through all things, going  forward.

Because I didn't know how to fight for family
I have often run screaming from hypocrisy.
For me, this marriage is the holiest thing;
What my husband believes is the him we see.

We must each pick our opponents and battles;
There are those who will fight to their own death,
Who won't be vulnerable to learning from others.
All boundaries they consider something to test.

These are people who will take you to hell
Rather than partner in another person's plan;
These are people who have deadened souls,
And may never accept relationships' demands.

How sad it is when we must finally walk away,
Our own souls gravely injured from the fight.
To watch people destroy others, harms us.
Do two wrongs ever make for one right?

I think perhaps the most damaging thing
Is abuse that's disguised as loving guidance.
Where punishment replaces good example,
Peace and joy don't seem to stand a chance.

A new day and age has recently dawned
Where we disallow the gods of war.
It is my belief that this place in history
Is what the day of Pentecost was for.

Let all the soldiers of God and Christ
Put down their eternally flaming swords,
And serve each other with burning spirits.
Is this a world we're finally ready for?

Perhaps each successive generation
Since the Genesis of the body human
Has been one step further to the truth
About our roles in the Divine plan.

Perhaps we simply weren't evolved enough
To allow such a powerful Unseen Spirit
To take our base animal natures and refine us
To earthly beings with Divine spiritual merit.

For many centuries there was something
To which much of humankind did aspire.
And perhaps we've finally found a way
To fulfill humankind's hearts' greatest desire.

We've worshiped gods of fear, awe, and sacrifice;
We've now been given Spirit to match the mission
A world where we fight by standing firm and united
Is my most cherished and hoped-for heavenly vision.

Authority, Anger, and Awakening, Part 1

My little sister used to fight the world for her and me;
Until she found a little sister that she could mold.
There came a time when they both broke free
What they considered to be fun, to me soon got old.

I wanted to watch what others were doing;
They wanted to create an exciting stir.
I lost the love of my closest little sister
Because I refused to follow her.

They both spent their lives in protestation
Of our all our parents' inflicted fury and pain.
Eventually, each of them ran far away,
And they neither returned home again.

All sources of authority were expected
To cause the vulnerable to cower.
The truth is that we were all victims;
It was okay to abuse those with less power.

It was not in my sister or neighbor to fold;
They didn't stop fighting for authority.
I eventually became quite frightened that
They would take power away from me.

I have felt that I abandoned them both,
Though this belief doesn't fit our history.
I actually didn't run away from them;
The stopped wanting to be with me.

I've often felt that I should have fought
Our parents, The Church, and both of them.
Instead, I put most of my energy into
Finding for myself other family and friends.

I fled far away when I became a mother
To a place where I hoped I could grow.
I now had real responsibility for my babies;
My awesome authority wasn't merely for show.

I didn't have any of the relationship skills,
To achieve leading with awe, not with fear,
So unfortunately I, like my powerless parents,
Used shows of anger to make my points clear.

It was my beautiful children's innocence that
Lead me to sincerely seek another way to bond.
As they little-by-little became fully who they are,
Of their unquestioning trust in me, I grew quite fond.

I came to believe quite strongly that not all sacred
Can possibly have been revealed or written about
In the many versions of the Christian Bible I'd read;
Surely there was not a little something left out.

Where were the sacred words about children
And their enjoyment by husbands and wives?
How were we who now live so many years
To know how to structure our own family lives?

I began to seek the spoken and written words
Of other people, prophets and philosophers;
It could not matter that my childhood religion
And parents then considered me to be cursed.

My beloved sisters and brothers had run away
From the angry God we'd been taught to see.
I knew there had to be a more complete story
Of the earthly manifestations of Divinity.

There are many ancient scriptures of others
That had exalted all of the mysteries of nature,
As if each and every molecule is an integral part
Of The Omnipresent, Eternal Universe's Creator.

But the fear of corporal and divine punishment 
Had put, on my parents and siblings, a fast hold.
They, sadly, couldn't bring themselves to question
What so many generations, so forcefully, had been told.

Though they never stopped wanting for acceptance,
They simply learned to laugh at their's and other's pain.
And their deep shame in who they were lead them
To repeat fearful and angry acts again and again.

It became all about learning how not to feel,
And how to protect themselves from vulnerability:
If we let ourselves follow our mother's God,
The next life He demands might be from me.

My beloved little sister has long-since died;
I've been reclaimed by our next-door neighbor.
She now works to pick me up when I'm down;
I'm sincerely wishing I could return the favor.

Committed Contact

If we have ever experience simply being loved,
That's as close as this life gets to heaven.
There are reasons sacred scriptures
Equate Divine love to that of women and men.

When we are truly loved as we are,
We stand naked before each other.
We don't feel the shame that causes us
To want our weaknesses covered.

The light of pure love can be so intense
That it causes our hearts and souls to break;
Many of us turn from this intensity,
And human compassion foresake.

Physical expressions of bonding
Are the ways we trade our energies,
Parents' strong arms around us
When we're weak, when they're pleased.

When we, too young, are left alone,
We are like abandoned cats,
Constantly trying to knead nurture
From empty physical vats.

Committed contact is a sacred celebration
Where all the love is allowed to explode.
It is the closest we get to seeing The Divine
In our earth-bound, human modes.

Laying On of Hands is What Love Demands

Compassion is not feeling for sisters and brothers;
It is sharing in the passions of others.
We must be mindful of with whom we bond;
There are pieces of us that will forever be gone.

The trade-off is a piece of our fellow humans,
With whom the pieces of us will blend.
Do we ask ourselves when choosing soul mates
What kind of blend will we, together, create?

Even my friends with the greatest faith
Need to be loved by the human race.
We hear much of the laying on of hands;
Human touch is what love demands.

Will loving The Lord take away all pain
And make my world all smiles again?
Or are the people who reach out to me
In whom the face of salvation I'll see?

We cannot be fully human by ourselves;
It is in mutual need that The Spirit indwells.
But the fear of our own vulnerability
Causes us to attempt to live love free.

A heart closed to love will still be filled
By fear and anger, into hatred, distilled.
All our energy will go into protection,
Rather than face our fear of rejection.

It sometimes seems easier to live alone,
But we'll never have a sense of home
Without taking the risks of letting others in.
Vulnerability is where compassion begins.