Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Holiness in Happy Holidays

I remember many times deciding whether to shut down emotionally or go forward with a gaping hole in my solar plexus. I wanted so badly to be able to seal over the hole that let in so much hurt, along with other emotions. I would make some progress in this effort while my children were visiting with their dad, but would have to open it up again when they returned to me. It seems that I didn't know how to love my children without being weak-kneed vulnerable to their every emotion.

I have heard "love" defined as a suspension of judgement. Maybe this is the most accurate definition for such a complex word. I never felt that it was my place as a parent to judge the right or wrong of my children's actions, but to anticipate the consequences to them and others, and warn them away from harming either. In my religious training we were taught to look for the evils in almost every move a human could make, especially in our own actions.  I worked very hard not to impose on them the fears that had been imprinted on me. I walked through my children's lives with rose-colored glasses, attempting to use only affirming words.

This seems to be the way I walked through the lives of all that I love. I was always surprised when others disapproved of anything about someone that I love unconditionally. I'm usually overly repentant when someone who loves me finds fault with me, hiding in shame until I can "cure" the offending fault.

We may all be forgiven by God for our weaknesses and transgressions, but this doesn't mean that my simple "I'm sorry" heals the human wounds I've inflicted. And how many times does it take being wounded by the same person in the same place in our souls before the scars seal the area forever?

If love is suspension of judgement, where does that leave us as human beings with wants, needs, and different familial values? How does one temper one's vulnerability without shutting down the depths of one's soul? Is there such a thing as emotional by-pass surgery where we can let only measured amounts of the energy of others into our hearts and souls?

This holiday season, I am committing to keeping my rose-colored glasses firmly in place by only associating with those who like to join me in a fantasy fog. This means we will not be exposing ourselves to big family gatherings where irresponsibility and ridicule are parts of "funny" family values. I just don't "get it" and I really don't want to. I want to keep the sense of holiness (wholeness) in our Happy Holidays.

1 comment:

  1. Might just be a good idea about the rose -colored glasses, LOL....
    It woulda been great if instructions came with every child, reflecting their nature. (?).

    Have a great Thanksgiving!!!!

    From Florida, Jack & Sherry