Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Un-killing Christ

As a six-year-old child, I knelt in front of the Nativity scene sobbing because I had been told that my sins helped kill Jesus, the Christ. I had a baby brother that I deeply loved, and knew that I'd never purposely hurt him, but how could I un-kill Jesus?

In preparation for my First Holy Communion, I had to learn about how God had made His Only Begotten Son to have him killed as a sacrifice to Himself to atone for the sins committed by all the people God had put on earth, prior to the death of Jesus. While I still wasn't clear on how we could un-kill Jesus, I was taught how sinful I was, and how there was really nothing I could do to become saved, except be scared of God as a form of humble worship. This did make some sense to me, as this was how my parents and other authority figures imposed order.

Physical punishment, and fear of it, were the common ways to train up children and treat those deemed less worthy than yourself, like servants, the non-Catholics, and the handicapped. The Roman Catholic Church, we were taught, had the only power to get you past eternal suffering in hell. Even our unborn baby sibling would never see God because he/she wasn't able to be baptized by a Roman Catholic priest.

Our mother felt no need to be with us, as we were the responsibility of God through the fathers, sisters, and mothers of our mother the church. Our father was away on business most of the time. Whenever he returned, his job was to administer justice, according to the commands of the church, as accepted by our mother. All mothers who gave their wombs over to creating Soldiers of Christ were considered beyond reproach. This only encouraged our mother in her neglect of her family as she ministered to strangers.

At the same time, it encouraged all manner of depraved individual to prey on the feral children of the unprotected mother and the absent father. Sadly, this included several of our "spiritual fathers and mothers" in the garb of the priests and other "consecrated" and "anointed" people of  religious orders and the clergy.

While I continue to grieve for the pain of all born into humanity, I no longer feel guilty for any offenses that I cannot make right. I continue to feel the pain of others as they make choices that cause them to suffer, as did Jesus, but I no longer believe he had no choice with God than to die. I do believe he chose this path to prove his devotion to his mission of saving us on earth. I also hurt for all parents who, with great pain, both physical and spiritual, make the choice to bring up babies in the way that The Sacred Spirit offers to all on earth.

I refuse to believe in the rape of a virgin by a God who forces Himself on others. I refuse to believe that Jesus had any more grace than what was handed down to him by his ancestors and his teachers on earth. To believe in either is to make excuses for why we can't follow in the footsteps of this most Joyful Jew, Jesus.

Welcome, Baby Jesus. I still love you as my most sacred baby brother.

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