Saturday, July 12, 2014

No Priests or Prayers for Me

I finally came to the realization that it wasn't my fear that was holding me back from being the biggest, boldest blessing I could be. It was the fears of my family and friends, who still believe that other people have the power of eternal life and death spells over us.

I have been involved in too many near-death and death scenes not to have given a great deal of thought to what happens from the time of drawing our last physical breath until the time the earth ends. I have searched the scriptures and asked everyone I knew, but could get no answers that simply seemed true to me. In a few recent Eureka moments, precipitated by a long-awaited silly time with my daughter and her youngest daughter, I finally feel good with what I know to be true for me.

I am catholic down to the marrow of my bones; not the Vatican brand, but the brand of being catholic that leads me to embrace the universe as my friends and family. I have suffered greatly at the hands of those who continue to attack me to see where my boundaries actually end. The fact that I don't react to others in traditional ways has, more than once, put me in jeopardy . Those who really love me have noticed this and many have simply given up on attempts at saving me from myself.

It is reasonable to rely on the shared boundaries of one's immediate family to sort out which behaviors are good for the group and which ones are detrimental. It is not reasonable to have one's friends and family who have no dependence on one's continued life define the boundaries for oneself. This is the glory of old age; we can stop having others dependent on us.

I love to laugh with those I like. I also cry with great abandon. I am sorry for those who aren't tough enough to take big bursts of me, but I will no longer allow their boundaries make me feel badly about my own. In an effort to make it possible to be anywhere but in a private padded cell together, I generally establish what is appropriate behavior for any given public situation. I also avoid most public situations where laughter and other forms of passionate interchange are not allowed or accepted.

At the time of my death, I want no priests and prayers to the gods that rule the lives of others. I have full faith that the huge energy I have shared with others will live on after my physical shell is long gone. I don't want another physical shell, and certainly hope all who believe in such things as resurrection of the body don't wish such a thing on me.

I have had a recurring dream, ever since my daughter was threatened with death. It is that I could, at will, breathe in deeply enough to rise above all the earth and fly; not with wings, but with the sheer power of my spirit. I look forward to the day that my spirit is freed from dragging along the old hag that keeps it too close to the ground and unable to simultaneously see, hear, and feel all my friends on earth. What a party that will be, in so many languages and colors!

No comments:

Post a Comment