Leaning Into the Heart of God by Gayle

http://onebirdwatching.blogspot.com/2012/06/leaning-into-heart-of-god.html

One of the defining moments of my life as a grandmother came when my grandchild was two years old.  The family had been visiting us for Christmas, a week when A. and I spent every waking moment together -- going for walks, talking, eating together, and grandma just watching, watching, watching every precious thing she did. 

The morning they were leaving, A. and I sat on the bottom step together as her parents loaded suitcases in the car and rushed around making sure that nothing had been left behind.  Somehow, even at the age of two, she must have realized that they were leaving me behind, and as we sat there without a word being spoken between us, she leaned into my side as if to embrace me.  At that moment, I recognized the intimate and very special bond between grandparent and grandchild.  For the first time in my life, I myself was not responsible for getting things done -- for getting to the airport on time, for making sure that life's tasks were completed responsibly, for any accomplishment.  For the first time in my life, I had the luxury to just sit and love. 

That morning, we both leaned into one another's hearts.  She felt my sadness; I felt hers -- even though she was only two, there was a true communion of hearts.  As she has grown older, that bond continues, despite the physical distance between us.  We "lean into" one another with no words spoken.  When she was nine, we took a walk together, and she said, "You know why I like talking to you?  You listen!"  I listen because there is nothing more important to me; there is nothing I have to be doing at the moment.  Listening is what I am there for---and nothing else demands my immediate attention.

Now that I am fortunate enough to be retired, I am experiencing the same relationship with God.  There is nothing I have to be doing at the moment; I am free to lean into the heart of God and to listen to Him.  No words are spoken; no words need to be spoken.  I can sit on the front porch with my book un-read, dishes un-washed, garden un-weeded and lean into the heart of my God, who leans lovingly into my heart also.

Once I said to my grandchild, "I'm a terrible grandmother.  I don't write and I don't call."  Her response:  "But I know you're there!"  That about sums up the relationship.  We are both "there" when it comes to each other -- and nothing else is between us, interfering with that bond.  When Scripture says, "Be still, and know that I am God," does it not mean the same relationship?  When we are still, when there is nothing more important that must be done, we can lean into the heart of the Most High God and know that He is "there."

The Skin I'm In

Every time life is kind to me, I become giddy with gratitude,
And when I'm hurt or angry, I cannot hide my mood.
Some turn their hearts from me because I'm too emotional
It's the only way I stay undepressed when I feel devotional.

I have been taught from birth that God does not enjoy
The loud speech or laughter of lively girls and boys.
I just can't be quiet when I feel The Spirit tickle me;
I can't sing, dance, or paint, but my Spirit struggles free.

I see my children and their children, and their Spirits blind me;
I think I try too hard to help others see what only I can see.
I have spent my life punished, scorned, and drugged
Because I've always wanted to give the world a hug.

Many envy my liveliness, say I'm high on life;
Some think it makes me a lousy mother and wife.
I have found out there's a diagnosis for people like me,
Borderline Personality Disorder, known as BPD.

Who assigns these diagnoses; who sets the norm?
Your discomfort doesn't mean I'll do you harm.
It is true I need boundaries, a safe place to rest,
But denying my emotions takes away my best.

Even my mother was jealous of the power of my personality;
I have often prayed, from my personality, to be set free.
It must be a wonderful thing to be comfortable in one's skin,
But, on this journey through life, I wouldn't know where to begin.

Magical or Mentally Ill?

There is no one thing on earth that has only one manifestation;
Color is in our perception of light; after dark there's little differentiation.
I know a tree is green to those who taught me color in school,
But now teachers who limit the imagination are thought of as cruel.

Are those who are color blind unable to see a tree?
Or does the color look different to them than it does to me?
A person who is schizophrenic to you, may be mystic to me;
And what is the difference between perfectionist and OCD?

While we may not want scientists who can't think in straight lines,
All great art is created in an artist's alternate state of mind.
When sadness mixes with fear and anger, some become enraged;
Others become more manic in that in which they are engaged.

There are those who will tell you that they know the facts of life;
These are people for whom the accepted rules and history suffice.
There are so many marginalized because they see what others don't;
Some of us see and hear many things that others can't or won't.

There is no way for a blind man to comprehend yellow;
A scientist may not communicate with a more artistic fellow.
Do we have to label each other as right or wrong,
Simply because we don't understand each others' song?

I know that in order to survive, I need to cooperate;
This is why we have many ways to communicate.
Some can't perceive emotion, including others' pain;
We also have words and touch to make our feelings plain.

There are those who cannot speak in an organized way;
This doesn't mean they have nothing to say.
Some dance, some sing, some paint beautifully,
All attempts to set what we're feeling free.

There must be those who embrace both science and art;
Can't these people, in communication, play a mediator's part?
Instead we tend to form herds of people all the same;
Even in the world of sports, this is no way to win a game.

Can we please stop arguing over whose manifestation is right,
Instead of being intrigued by the many ways of seeing light?
I don't say you're wrong because you have a different gift;
Maybe if we communicate and share, both our views will shift.

If you believe only those who believe like you are saved,
We will never be at peace with each other until we're in our graves.
Until we want to understand where others' views are coming from,
There is very little chance that peace on earth will ever come.

Our Offspring and the Untouchables

The most important thing about Jesus, in my opinion, was in his life of courage, strength of belief, and example. The fact that this led to his being murdered by the frightened masses is quite incidental to me; however, his willingness to go to his death with courage does underline how deeply he believed in his mission on earth.

Until Jesus, place in society was pre-ordained by one's birthright. Jesus' very radical message was that parents don't hand on their strengths, weaknesses, and beliefs, only the tendency toward certain attributes. The blending of the attributes of both parents creates a new entity, in most cases, with the ability to choose which behaviors of what parents one will emulate. Free will also gives us the ability to choose to look outside our ancestory for example.

Whether Jesus was a god while he walked on earth is the subject of much debate, but one thing is certain. Both his earthly parents came from a long line of people groomed for generations to lead this most special man in preparation for his ministry, breaking the chains of ritualistic righteousness. We still don't seem to get it.

We still treat others as "untouchables" by refusing to pay them wages that enable them to live in dignity. We still hold fast to families and faith traditions that are against the acknowledgement of Divinity in all of creation. And we still want laws that mandate what we consider moral behavior because we don't have the willingness to stand up for what we believe while society scorns us and our offspring for messing up the curve of the supposed laws of salvation. We still appoint people to lead us like we are sheep, instead of exercising our own judgement.

There are some souls that have no capacity for free will (judgement). Certain forms of brain damage and mental illnesses make it impossible for these people to be productive without patient parents and/or partners forever acting as mentors and/or balance for the deficits of the damaged people. How much more important is it to have strength of conviction enough to act on our beliefs when dealing with those with no capacity for discernment!

It has taken almost two thousand years for Pentecost to begin to be acknowledged and acted upon. Let us not, in fear of each other, turn back to rules of righteousness and religions meant to exclude all the weak from our families and society. Let us be more patient with those who need the most outside help in maintaining boundaries, as we hold their hands and guide them with our own examples.

Faith, Family, and Fidelity

Are we going to save the babies or honor their parents, long-dead ?

We can't speak ill of the dead? We're free to share what we dread.

Some sit Shiva to draw enough to say, about the dead, what was good.

There are some in whom there was no goodness. Isn't this understood?

Christianity, before Constantine, was a religion of all that came before;

The pope sold out to politics and, to what came before, closed the door.

There were many who pretended piety at the sharpened edge of a sword;

This didn't mean that they actually believed that to which they swore.

We have suffered from the false versions and creeds of Christianity;

The Christ was never intended to create a political power of policy.

The Christian church became afraid and sold out so many years ago,

It is time that those who are Spiritual Christians, their values show.

Those who protested the Vatican's strong hold on Christendom

Now must, all the falseness, in Roman Christendom agree to shun.

No human was ever infallible; Jesus didn't, for himself, claim this.

It is time that The "Holy" Roman State, we all join hands to resist.

There are many who have tried to change the church from inside,

And, with these faithful souls, my respect and gratitude abide.

But the time has come to allow the legal representatives

To prosecute the offensives that we humans shouldn't forgive.

Let the God of Isaac, Jacob, Abraham, and their wives

Decree the eternal fates of those, for whom death, we decide.

We must unite to stop those whose souls were dead before their births

From destroying the Divine Energy that was put upon this earth.

The most moral men I know are Judeo-Christian, who are ridiculed because

They destroy the curve for other men, who hide behind their wives and mothers.

The man I married this time is Judeo-Christian, of Roman Catholic stock;

He learned values from his father and religious orders, by whom he was taught.

He cannot quote the words of sacred scripture or sing religious songs;

On his heart and soul he seems to have a sense of right and wrong.

And he's willing to honor and learn from that stamped on my heart;

But, unlike him, I get shaky when we're too long apart.

It is often difficult for me to walk side-by-side with my man

Who has in his heart and soul a very straight and narrow plan.

But I am blessed because he continues putting his arms out to me;

He waits while I come around to understanding his policies.

We are both united in the family being our personal church;

We stand strong together, no matter where our loved ones lurch.

While we are often, because of this, left together, and all alone.

We still have the door open to those who want a safe, loving home.

This is our answer to the controversies and contradictions

Contained in the scriptures on which organized religion depends.

We have seen the practice of these various religious creeds

And we try to emulate those who teach by their deeds.

The Role of Responsibility

I once thought I was pregnant by a man with no sense of responsibility;
I knew I could not raise a child that would be father-free.
Even though my children and their father lived many miles away,
I knew that he would always, in their lives, an important role play.

I wasn't sure I could bring myself to subject another baby
To the pitfalls of my mothering, which many times was crazy.
I believed that the only solution may be to kill myself and this babe,
But who would be the mother and, my children, continue to raise?

In a Utopian Universe there are communities of perfect parents,
Who will always be there for whatever babies we present.
But, in my experience, most people are much too occupied
To take on the children whose parents' souls have died.

There is little community care or sense of obligation
To children from other families and beliefs across our nation.
The Ten Commandments are rules for getting along with each other,
But we continue the course of Cain and Able, brother against brother.

I believe Cain and Able learned power struggles from their parents,
More focused on themselves than on the children they were sent.
How many of us are prepared to give up our own needs and desires,
Once we have, the next generation, mothered or sired?

Until the day we are ready, maybe the most honest thing
Is to give back the many babies who are unwanted offspring.
If we cannot undo the damage that was created by being rejected,
Should we return the fetuses to The Spirit to be protected?

Babies and Birthrights

To whom am I praying, if not to The Positive Power of The Universe
What or who has the power to reverse the mistakes by which we're cursed?
Is it possible that our fore mothers and fathers, beginning with Adam and Eve
Have doomed every generation who they and their heirs conceived?

How is that, in a just world, there are babies born with such deficits
That even their own mothers and fathers look upon them with regrets?
How is that, no matter how much we love, we cannot heal the hurts
That have been visited upon the children, even before their births?

How is it that the babies continue to suffer for the sins
Committed by their ancestors, even before their lives begin?
How can we rescue our babies from what we cannot see?
Will we ever be, from the sins of our parents, set free?

The only hope I see is that we pay attention to procreation,
And marry those who have strengths in our weak ideations.
But first we must reject the world's values that have no Grace;
Only living in our Holy Spirits makes us a human race.